A report by Professor Jason Dirigible, as provided by Andy Brown
Illustration by Justine McGreevy
REPORT TO HEADS OF STAFF AUGUST 14th 2012
Introduction
In February 2010, I was asked by the assembled heads of staff to look into the military applications of magical beings. My choices were influenced by considerations of availability, cost, and ease of transport.
I present this report for your consideration.
PROFESSOR JASON DIRIGIBLE
SKELMERSDALE RESEARCH STATION
UNITED KINGDOM.
1. GNOMES
The first test subjects were chosen because of the proximity of a nest of GNOMES near the testing centre. GNOMES are well known for their strength and speed. Extensive testing has also shown that they are resistant to all forms of radioactive and chemical attacks. In tests, a group of 10 GNOMES was able to prevent the attack of a squadron of 250 armed soldiers. However, despite their effectiveness, GNOMES are non-aggressive and were only willing to tickle the soldiers into submission.
CONCLUSION: GNOMES could be used in the field but only as a means of disorientating an enemy. They require payment in tobacco so they would be cheap to employ.
2. MERMAIDS
MERMAIDS are particularly effective as covert operatives. Attempts to use them to place mines and disrupt sonar with their voices were very successful. Their high speed and stamina under water allow them to track ships, submarines, and torpedoes. However, MERMAIDS have a serious failing in the field. They are susceptible to instant and profound love if they see a human male. MERMEN were tested but were found to be too aggressive. Doctors Jones, Matthews, and Carter were lost during these tests.
CONCLUSION: Possible military applications but only in strictly non-contact situations.
3. DRAGONS
Of all the creatures tested during this study, DRAGONS were by far the most powerful. Their ability to fly and manoeuvre; their huge strength; the potential to breathe fire, ice, or poison; and their high intelligence make them an asset in military applications. However, their high intelligence means that they cannot be controlled. DRAGONS will only attack if they are in the correct frame of mind and will attack targets of their own choosing. They are also incredibly arrogant. Two of my staff were reduced to tears and one other to start self-harming after being ridiculed and embarrassed by one of our DRAGONS.
CONCLUSION: The potential of DRAGONS is enormous but their arrogance means they are useless for military purposes. The only positive is that an enemy would have the same difficulty controlling them as we had.
4. OGRES
OGRES, like DRAGONS, are potentially very effective in the field. An OGRE’S colossal strength and virtual indestructibility make it a valuable asset as an attack force. However, OGRES are extremely stupid. They are incapable of understanding the simplest of commands and will simply thrash anything within reach of their clubs, hands, or feet. Their best use would be to drop them onto the field of battle amongst enemy forces. This could be devastating. They can be calmed by drinking alcohol. This could be used to exert some degree of control over the OGRE. They can on occasion form a close connection with a person, generally female. This too can be used to influence the creature. This should be treated with great caution, as my colleague Doctor Wilson can attest. Only a potent intravenous dose of malt whiskey saved her from being ravished.
CONCLUSION: Powerful and dangerous, OGRES could be used in battle. Provision would have to be made for easy access to a great deal of alcohol.
5. VAMPIRES
A VAMPIRE’S ability to transform into a bat make it ideally suited to information gathering. It can transform into smoke allowing access to otherwise impenetrable locations. Add to this the VAMPIRE’S strength, speed, and violent slashing and biting attacks and the military potential of this being is huge. However, all the VAMPIRES tested were young (less than 120 years of age) and so were more inclined to lie around sighing wistfully and twinkling when exposed to sunshine. If older VAMPIRES become available (older than 200 years of age), they may be of use. Of course, the fighting has to finish before dawn.
CONCLUSION: Useless.
6. GOBLINS
GOBLINS are very aggressive and highly intelligent. They have a structured society and so are very familiar with the chain of command. They are small in stature (2 to 3 feet or approximately 1 metre) and various shades of green denoting family and status. Their weapons of choice are short swords and axes. In battle, their thick scaly skins protect them from attacks up to a bullet fired at close range (less than 3 feet). Their natural athleticism allows them to swarm over virtually any surface. An enemy could be chopped into tiny bits within seconds. However, GOBLINS are not noted for their loyalty. A better offer from an enemy would turn them in an instant.
CONCLUSION: Very efficient killers. Problems with loyalty could be prevented by ensuring an enormous amount of precious metals or gems. Imprisoning members of a chief GOBLIN’S family could be effective in this regard but GOBLINS bear a grudge and will have no difficulty in wreaking their revenge.
7. WENDIGO
We received our test WENDIGO from the USA in May of 2012. They are voracious devourers of human flesh and so are well suited to psychological as well as physical attacks. In tests, the WENDIGO attacked and devoured 40 soldiers in under two minutes. They can only be controlled by a shaman from the Algonquian tribe. The control is mystical in nature and so could be disrupted by another more powerful shaman. The shaman contains the WENDIGO in his own body, forcing the spirit under his command. Should the shaman be killed, the WENDIGO is free to roam and will destroy any and all it finds.
CONCLUSION: A very dangerous being. If kept under the control of the shaman, it could be used to devastating effect.
They are voracious devourers of human flesh and so are well suited to psychological as well as physical attacks.
8. GOLEM
Our GOLEM was created by Rabbi Leibnitz. The GOLEM was a large hulking being totally under the control of the speaker of the Hebrew spells used to create it. In tests, it was very effective as a battering ram to split up troop formations or destroy fortifications.
The GOLEM was only able to be used two or three times before starting to crumble.
CONCLUSION: A number of prepared GOLEMS could be sent into battle to damage vehicles and defences and break up any troop formations. It could also be used to clear minefields.
9. ELVES
ELVES have a very structured and very refined society. All ELVES are very skilled warriors employing a wide range of weaponry. They are highly intelligent and have a deep understanding of strategy. They are capable of moving across or through any terrain without leaving any indication of their passage. However, in common with DRAGONS, ELVES are without exception, arrogant, haughty, obnoxious, and possessed of a level of smugness which makes them unbearable to every species apart from their own. ELVES could only be employed in a military situation if they were able for just one moment to stop looking down their effete, conceited noses at everyone.
CONCLUSION: Too arrogant to be of any use.
10. HARPIES
Capable of controlled flight and equipped with sharp talons and fangs, HARPIES are ideal for use in disorientating an enemy force. Despite legends to the contrary, tests proved that HARPIES do not have sufficient strength to lift an average sized human into the air. Their talons are able to slice through all but the strongest armour plating. Their horrifying appearance has a negative effect on morale. However, HARPIES are wild and unpredictable. They are as likely to turn on allied forces as enemies.
CONCLUSION: Effective if dropped into enemy forces.
FINAL CONCLUSIONS
Although powerful, magical beings have a common problem. They are very difficult or impossible to control. It is my conclusion that unless a sufficiently powerful mage was employed to attempt to control the beings, the effect on allied forces could very easily be as destructive as the effect on the enemy.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank the heads of staff for this experience.
I would also like to extend my sympathy to the families of Doctors Jones, Matthews, and Carter and look forward to the return to work of Doctor Wilson after her extensive therapy.
PROFESSOR JASON DIRIGIBLE.
PROFESSOR JASON DIRIGIBLE was born at an early age in the village of Widecombe in the Moor, Devon, England.
The discovery of a pixie nest when a child fired his interest in magical beings and he chose a career in applied crypto zoology at the University Of Avalon.
His treatise “Mining Applications Of Gnomes, Knockers and Kobolds” not only gained him his Doctorate but is the definitive reference text for crypto mining companies.
He has three children from his marriage to Sarrrata’Msalliner, a dryad, proving his theory concerning the genetic compatibility of magical and non magical species.
ANDY BROWN is a musician and entertainer living near Edinburgh in Scotland.
(He doesn’t currently own a kilt but does play bagpipes a little.)
He is a pleasant enough fellow with a healthy interest in many things and an obsessive interest in many others. (Music, computers, astronomy, reading, writing…)
He plays a wide variety of instruments to a wide variety of standards.
His greatest happiness is his family and the fact that he wakes every morning still breathing.
His greatest sadness is that he might die before warp travel, teleportation and Klingons are discovered.
Justine McGreevy is a slowly recovering perfectionist, writer, and artist. She creates realities to make our own seem slightly less terrifying. Her work can be viewed at http://www.behance.net/Fickle_Muse and you can follow her on Twitter @Fickle_Muse.