Traditional Fairy Dust: A Recipe

A recipe by Franklin A. Evenson, M.D., as provided by Dusty Wallace
Art by Ariel Alian Wilson

For more stories like this, check out Mad Scientist Journal: Winter 2016!

Ingredients

10 South woods fairies, fresh and intact
1 teaspoon of lemon juice
1 clove of garlic, finely chopped
1 teaspoon olive oil
1 tablespoon baking soda

Utensils

1 small cookpot
mortar and pestle

First, a note on the fairies: when using fairies in any recipe, I strongly advise against purchasing them from vendors. Using the wrong fairies in a recipe can lead to extreme illness. North woods fairies should not be used as a substitute in this recipe.

The first thing you do with fairies is rip off their wings. Otherwise they’ll fly right out of the jar. If the cries of pain bother you, it may be prudent to stuff your ears with cotton.

For freshness, it’s best to harvest your own fairies. With some honey-sweetened milk, the fairies will come right to you. All you have to do is put them in a jar (poke some holes in the lid so they can breathe). Try not to engage them in meaningful conversation, as it can lead to unwanted emotional confusion.

1. The first thing you do with fairies is rip off their wings. Otherwise they’ll fly right out of the jar. If the cries of pain bother you, it may be prudent to stuff your ears with cotton.
2. Set your pot over a small fire. You’ll want it hot before adding ingredients.
3. Once the pot is heated, toss in the chopped garlic, lemon juice, and olive oil. It needs to simmer for ten minutes before continuing.
4. While those ingredients simmer, go ahead and finish dispatching your fairies. However small their teeth, fairy bites are quite painful. To avoid them, place your forefinger on one ear and thumb on the other as you secure them around the waist with your opposite hand. Then make a quick pull and twist and their tiny head will come clean off. Set aside the body on a cheesecloth while you finish the others. The heads won’t be used in this recipe, but if you have cats and dogs, feel free to leave the fairy heads in the food dish.
5. Make a small slit from elbow to neck on the headless fairy corpse. Now grab the tip of the spine and pull it out from the skin. It should come out in one piece. If not, it’s easy to pick out any bone fragments later in the cooking process.
6. Hold each fairy body over your cookpot and squeeze. It’s best to start at their little toes and pinch your way up to the neck. You’ll need every drop of that sweet fairy blood. When finished, discard the skins. Your cats and dogs will beg for them, but fairy skins are chewy and present a choking hazard for pets.
7. Let all your ingredients simmer for another five minutes. There’s no need to stir, they’ll be appropriately mixed in the next step.
8. Pour the cooked mixture into your mortar. You may have to scrape the pot a bit to get anything stuck to the bottom. Then, obviously, use your pestle to grind everything into a smooth liquid.
9. Add your baking soda to the liquid and crush it into a paste. From there, you can either cover and store your concoction or let it dry out for use as a powder.

I can personally attest to this fairy dust recipe as a powerful medicine*. This remedy has cured chlamydia in three of my sisters-in-law. Furthermore, it’s an excellent treatment for everything from hemorrhoids to the common cold.

*Repeated use may lead to addiction.

Franklin A. Evenson, M.D., gave himself an honorary medical license when he turned eighteen. In the two years since, he’s risen to become the premiere (and only) physician in all of Great Woods. Most of his techniques were developed through the time-tested practice of trial and error.

Dusty Wallace lives in the Appalachians of Virginia with his wife and two sons. He enjoys reading, writing, and the occasional fine cigar. Find him on Twitter: @CosmicDustMite

Ariel Alian Wilson is a few things: artist, writer, gamer, and role-player. Having dabbled in a few different art mediums, Ariel has been drawing since she was small, having always held a passion for it. She’s always juggling numerous projects. Currently lives in Seattle with her two cats, Zippy and Persephone. You can find doodles, sketches, and more at her blog www.winndycakesart.tumblr.com.

“Traditional Fairy Dust: A Recipe” is © 2015 Dusty Wallace
Art accompanying story is © 2015 Ariel Alian Wilson