A speech by Professor Wilbur Wilkinson-Grauss, as provided by George Nikolopoulos
Art by Shannon Legler
Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen, I sincerely wish to thank you for inviting me to speak here at the Royal Geographical Society.
I am going to speak to you about Hotters, the astounding minuscule creatures that provide us with heat. As you are undoubtedly aware of, Professor Eric Higgsbaum-Straddle and my humble self first predicted the existence of these elusive entities eight years ago, and we have since been trying to discover conclusive evidence of their existence. A few months ago, with the invaluable help of Dr. Richard Bottom-Wiggins’ remarkable new invention, the minutoscope, which, as you probably know, is a device that enables the human eye to observe minute creatures, we were able, for the first time in the history of humanity, to see the Hotters.
To be precise, Sir, we did not actually see individual Hotters, as the creatures are so tiny that they can not even be seen with the aid of the minutoscope–which can magnify the image of an object by up to 500 times–but we were able to perceive large clusters of Hotters on the surface of an iron alloy that we heated to 1,000 degrees in the absolute scale. As Professor Higgsbaum-Straddle and I have explained in our paper that was published in the Journal of the New Victorian Society, the attribute that we call “heat” is in fact generated by Hotters. The greater the concentration of Hotters in an object, the hotter the object becomes. According to our theory, Hotters are born in fire, and as the alloy was put through the fire, the Hotters leaped upon it.
I do not wish to tire you, Sir, with scientific details and calculations, which you will be able to peruse at your leisure in our paper in the Journal, but I am certainly obliged to mention that the concentration of Hotters in a substance is directly proportional to its absolute temperature, multiplied by a constant number, which we have named H, and is equal to 8.353 X 1023. It was proposed by our esteemed colleague, Professor Januarius Finnegan-Smythe, that this number be called the Higgsbaum-Straddle-Wilkinson-Grauss Constant.
To go on with my narrative, then, Sir, exactly as we had predicted, the concentration of Hotters on the alloy was great enough to allow us to observe clusters of Hotters on its surface. As you may have been informed of, Dr. Bottom-Wiggins and the New Lowland Laboratories are presently working on a new improved model of the minutoscope which will be able to magnify images by up to 2,000 times. Magnification on this scale will most probably be adequate for us to observe concentrations of Hotters on objects less than 300 degrees hot. If the illustrious Doctor continues to improve his minutoscope at such a rate, I believe I can safely predict that it will not be very long before we can actually observe individual Hotters.
It is with the utmost reluctance, Sir, that I now comment upon the work of my so-called colleague, Professor James Quack, and the purely fictional attribute of “energie” that he suggests. Why, the mere notion is so absurd that it brings to mind that ill-advised fellow, Dr. Richard Dawkins-Hoof, who recently claimed to have happened upon unicorns in the mysterious continent of Africa. Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen, I solemnly swear that the moment I see Professor Quack enter this room riding upon a unicorn and brandishing Excalibur is the moment I will believe in the existence of energie. Universe consists of matter wholly and solely, and there is no such substance as energie, as assuredly as there are no ghosts or spirits. Now that the existence of Hotters has been undisputedly proved, let Professor Quack speak again of his “thermal energie” and other such nonsense.
To be utterly frank, Sir, I was quite bemused when the Huffington Times and Journal printed an utterly misguided and derisive article about mine and Professor Higgsbaum-Straddle’s theory, repeatedly referring to “Hotters and Colders.” I unequivocally declare that there is no such thing as a “Colder,” and the very idea is preposterous. The sensation of cold is exclusively caused by the absence of Hotters.
We now recognize for a fact, Sir, that Hotters love the Sun, that they would rather reside near the equator, and that they migrate to the southern hemisphere in the winter. I have been asked by skeptics why Hotters eschew the Arctic Circle. Well, I replied, would you live in such a bleak and barren place? Hotters are very social creatures, and they prefer to reside where there is a congregation of Hotters already.
We now recognize for a fact, Sir, that Hotters love the Sun, that they would rather reside near the equator, and that they migrate to the southern hemisphere in the winter. I have been asked by skeptics why Hotters eschew the Arctic Circle. Well, I replied, would you live in such a bleak and barren place? Hotters are very social creatures, and they prefer to reside where there is a congregation of Hotters already.
Of course, Sir, there is still a great lot to determine regarding the wayward ways of Hotters, and yet I remain optimistic about our prospects. Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen, we have already traveled a long way upon this course and there is still a long way to travel, but I can assure you that we will soon know all there is to know about Hotters, including the reasoning behind their escapades.
Just imagine, Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen of the Society, if Hotters were to be persuaded to travel about in accordance with our wishes, then heat would be readily available to all. There would be no more need to extract coal to feed our furnaces. We would be able to melt the polar icecap and sail through the Arctic Circle. Cold would also be at the tips of our fingers should we have need of it; for instance, an efficient way to keep our fruit and our vegetables fresh and unspoiled during the summer. This would only be the beginning. Ladies and gentlemen, harnessing the power of the Hotters will signify the dawn of a new era for man.
I again repeat my thanks, Sir, for the honour done me by the Society, and the eminently kind and courteous manner by which you have received my humble speech. I hope that I will soon have the opportunity to speak to you about Hotters again, on the opportunity of a new remarkable discovery.
Professor Wilbur Wilkinson-Grauss, OBE, first became known to the general public when he proposed the theory of Hotters, together with his less charismatic colleague, Professor Eric Higgsbaum-Straddle. Derided at first, the theory of Hotters soon became widely accepted by the scientific community and Prof. Wilkinson-Grauss is today hailed as the Father of Modern Heating.
George Nikolopoulos is a much published writer, poet, anthology editor, and sometimes actor from Greece. He is currently in search of an international career as a writer.
Information about Shannon Legler and her monsters can be found at http://shannonlegler.carbonmade.com/.